A moint’s guide to Social Networking

Welcome to the moint’s guide to social networking. For moints, by a moint.

The world is a cruel and confusing place for the humble moint – not that they are aware, of course – and cyberspace is for the moint no more forgiving than the real world. Full of its rules to be accidentally broken and its subtle customs waiting for a moint to swim against the current like a daft salmon, the internet is a place where moints are in vast supply.

Allow this moint to cast his swine of wisdom before pearls and present you with a handy guide to navigating the world wide web with the grace and poise of the most adroit cyber-spider.

Facebook

Facebook is, essentially, a tool for the amateur spy. This can be useful to the moint, as real-life covert spying is usually to be avoided – as the proceeding true story exemplifies:

The Moint is walking through a large English city, when he notices one of his idols (we shall call him Bon Jharrowman to preserve anonymity). A sudden rush of adrenaline and a lack of blood reaching the brain (for reasons we shan’t discuss), Moint sets off in pursuit of his hero. Unaware that his furtive actions have been noticed by Mr Jharrowman, Moint continues in his espionage. Weaving through the city’s streets, hot on the trail, Moint is closing in on his subject, who simultaneously is the object of his affections (awww). Suddenly, however, Bon Jharrowman stops dead in his tracks. Attempting to confront his now discovered assailant, he turns to stare at our beloved moint.
Moint panics. Of course, any non-moint spy (indeed, any non-moint at all) would know that at this point the game was up and abort the mission. Continue to walk past the subject. Maybe even flash a fake surprised smile. Not Moint. He also stops dead. His eyes bulge from beneath his brow as he realises he has been caught. His solution to this unfortunate series of events: LOOK AT THE SKY! Because that doesn’t look suspicious…
By the time he has realised this is a silly option, the evasive Jharrowman has made his escape. Were it not for the hilarity of his own actions, poor Moint may have even shed a tear of grief. As it is, we all have a funny story.

So fellow moints, feel free to use Facebook as your tool of reconnaissance; certainly over and above attempting such a feat in the real world. Albeit unless you wish to be a star of this blog… 🙂

Twitter

Twitter is, for all in tents and porpoises, the opposite of Facebook – i.e. rather than being about seeing what others are doing, it is more of a platform for one’s own dippy deliberations and mointish musings. Although a strict limit of 140 characters is imposed, do not assume this limitation works to protect the moint from their accidental antics.

It is my theory that all who live possess an inner moint, and twitter is to the inner moint what a psychoanalyst is to the subconscious (or what Barbara Streisand is to the closet homosexual): it brings it out.

Whether it is a sudden vilification of a major or minor (augmented or diminished) celebrity, or the viral video that is either sick, funny, shocking, or all of the above – twitter contains many a hasty reaction. And “haste” is the moint’s greatest ally/enemy. From witty hashtags to “ooh handbags” Twitter’s scope is seemingly all encompassing and there is something from every walk of life on there. With this plethora of contradistinctive information, a moint is bound to become confused and therefore far more likely to make a moint-up of the whole thing. For clarity’s sake, I shall therefore offer a “glossary” of twitter terms, in order to make your tweeting sojourn both informed and enjoyable!

Twitter Glossary

# ~ the “hashtag”. Sometimes used to signify a topic of conversation or a game. Often needlessly used to express a personal emotion or state. e.g. “I habe had toi much to drinbk. #verydrunkk”

RT ~ Olde twittere for “retweet”

DM ~ Direct Massage. I mean message.

#FF ~ “Follow Friday” usually followed by the twitter username of the person you want to like you.

TeamFollowBack ~ I spam a lot. I mean, a lot!

I’m Home! ~ I am now drinking alcohol.

Getting in the shower ~  I may or may not be having a shower. I just want you to picture me naked.

:[ ~ I am sad because I’m not getting the attention I signed up for. :[

Should I change my avi? ~ No one has told me how beautiful/handsome I am for a couple of days. MUST. FIX. NOW.

Click this cool link! ~ I was a moint and clicked a link I shouldn’t have. I didn’t write this.

Favorite ~ “favourite”

I love your avi x ~ I have thoughts about you. Thoughts I cannot disclose.

Add me on Facebook ~ I want to spy on you.

[Anything via DM] ~ if my partner saw this, they’d kill me.

I’m sorry ~ Please don’t unfollow me!

I’m leaving twitter ~ I’m deactivating twitter for a couple of weeks.

Goodnight! ~ I’m going to bed after I’ve tweeted for another hour or so.

Thank you, my most esteemed moints, for reading this guide. I hope it aids you in your quest to change your social not working into social networking. Happy mointing!