Not in all of Shakespeare’s tragedies; not in the evil of war; not even in the fame and existence of Jedward has there been a more disturbing phenomenon than this: William Stafford remains unpublished.

I have had the privilege of delivering his lines, becoming his characters, playing his music, singing his lyrics and directing his plays (yes, he allowed it – he is a moint afterall). I have applauded his productions and admired his literature – but that’s just a lowly Quimph. Why ought I get all the satisfaction? Because the theatre industry, it seems, is run by moints, that’s why. While I will often haphazardly attempt to fling what wit I possess at your funny bones, this is no laughing matter. There is nothing more melancholy than genuine talent that remains buried.

Allow me to bring you a modest offering of what I am talking about:

Taken from the finale of “Robin Hood”

Dame fortune takes potshots at us, so we must take our chances
Take arms against the things she slings, she leads us merry dances
Our sojourn in this vale of tears is brief and full of sorrow
Too soon, too soon, the darkness nears, live like there’s no tomorrow

This is augmented by accompaniment of a truly lovely melody. Or perhaps the following:

Taken from the opener from “Dr Jekyll & Mr Hyde” – Wonders Of The Age

Come and see, come and view with glee
See the wonders of the age
Finest tea from the China Sea
And the scrolls of some wizened old sage (in Sanskrit)
Handkerchiefs of Red Indian Chiefs
And the briefs of a sultan in beige (quite smelly really)
Come and peruse, you will all be amused
See the wonders of the age

And the later reprise:

Ripper’s loose, when will he get the noose?
It’s a scandal of the age
Charges filed against Oscar Wilde
Yet his plays they continue to stage (they’re very funny)
H.G. Wells, does this ring any bells?
Could you tell just how things would be played? (look to the future)
Time will tell if the lesson’s learned well
From the blunders of our age

Filth and Comedy

What typifies William’s writing more than anything else, however, is the comedy. He is the funniest person I know, and has an ability to pen hilarity in ways I simply will never be able. The comedy does come with a hint of filth, which is no mean feat considering many of these plays were performed in a high school! The best example of which, to my mind, are the “comedy arseholes” in the play The Pirate Blackbeard, namely BINGE and PURGE. I do not have to time to show you just how brilliant they are – and you wouldn’t have the time to read it all – but brilliant they most certainly are. Both wretched pickpockets (though they would argue “skilled craftsmen”), both terribly inept, both utterly hilarious.

On discovering the need to perform the ‘old joke and choke routine’ in order to get a free drink…

WENCH. You two losers going to drink something or what?

BINGE. My dear, I thought you’d never ask.

WENCH. Let me see some money first.

PURGE. You’ve seen money before.

WENCH. Humour me.

BINGE. Er, my dear, at present we are financially embarrassed.

WENCH. And you’re thirsty too. You’ll stay that way until I see any money. Now, you either cough up up get lost.

SHE LEAVES THEM, SERVES SOMEONE ELSE.

BINGE. Purge, old friend, the time has come for drastic action. And the wench has given me an idea.

PURGE. You couldn’t afford that, either.

And so it continues. Of course, it all goes wrong (right pair of moints, they are). The point, however, is that William deserves his break. I believe it passionately, and why doesn’t some moint realise this? I have not met a single soul who has not thoroughly enjoyed a Stafford Production, and that has to count for something, doesn’t it?

I know he is my best moint, and you may think me biased, perhaps I am, but I am only biased in saying that he deserves his chance. The material is fantastic, and I say that without proclivity to favouritism.

Let us hope that soon, and very soon, the brilliance that is William Stafford’s work will be shown to a wider, inevitably appreciative audience.

Keep ’em coming, my friend.